Festive Talk Gives me Hives.. and Dandruff!

Season's Greetings Ya'll !


Moncton Girl has had a pretty boring December.. mainly due to spending too much time at work, so let's just scoot right up to Christmas Day. 


Moncton parents came to visit for the day, this allowed the family to fight in a small apartment as opposed to fighting in a small house. Definitely an upgrade. Gift highlights include: 


From Moncton Mom: 

• - Bottle of all purpose cleaner   -  perfect for a dirty apartment
• - 2 huge bottles of Head & Shoulders - apparently I have dirty, dandruff-ie hair
• - Shoppers Drug Mart Gift Card  - to stock up on other personal hygienic products. 

From Moncton Dad: 

• - Lock de-icer for my car  - I love to be spoiled during the holidays
• - Work gloves  - Incase I decide to go into construction as a career

Needless to say my need for material possessions was not fulfilled by these gifts... thankfully I feel fully justified in all the spending I did on myself before Christmas! A win win for Moncton Girl! (and master card!)


After the fulfilled time in Moncton with the parents MG hopped in her car and hit the road for Nowhere town, NS on Boxing day morning.


A entire bottle of windshield wiper fluid later and MG was greeted to a post-it note letting her know that her parents had moved to their cottage for the week. 


Great. MG wanted to drive hours to spend time by herself. 


* Moncton Girl

I got 98 problems and the UFE ain't one!

Friday was one of the biggest days for Moncton Girl... She passed the UFE!


For those of you not "in the know' the UFE is a huge 3 day long exam that is required to be a Chartered Accountant. Every girls dream.


Not only did I pass, but so did my two accounting partners in crime: Golden Girl and Outdoor Guy.
Needless to say a huge party was in place for Friday night, thanks to the generous firm we work for.


Now Moncton Girl is not much of a bar star but as this was a special occasion so I put my party hat on..


Highlights of the night:

• Referring to the 3 bartenders as my "besties" when ordering drinks. 
• Telling people the tequila in my hand was water
• Getting cut off. Before midnight. At an open bar. In a VIP room.  At a casino. 
• Singing Adele's "Someone Like You" to several of the guys I work with. 
• Telling several managers to "Holla at ya Gurrrl"
• French braiding a bartenders hair
• Telling EVERYONE they were going to be my new mentor
• Taking several photo's with the bartenders
• Telling everyone was my new life mantra was What Would (Insert name of person currently talking to) Do?     
• Admitting to googling everyone I come into contact with
• Telling everyone my online dating story (see Two Shots of Raspberry) and begging to be set up with any guys they know under 30 and not gay. 

I clearly made quite an impression and outed myself as the worst french braider to ever exist in this fine city.


Thank drunk baby jesus I'm a happy friendly drinker.


I will never forget the day (and night) I passed the UFE!  (Golden Girl's bathroom will not forget the morning after)




Looks like this unlucky girl had quite a lucky adventure this weekend!


* Moncton Girl

Whatcha Readin' ?

Moncton Girl headed out to one of her favourite monthly events .. Book Club!


This months book was "Half-Blood Blues" by Esi Edugyan. It has won several notable awards including the Booker Prize most recently the 2011 Scotiabank Giller Prize. (The Giller Prize is cool in the fact that new judges are selected every year)


The book is centred around 3 jazz musicians, two african-american's and a african-german during the 1940's. The book covers their travel from Berlin to Paris and then current day in the 90's.


The folks in the group are some of the most intelligent people Moncton Girl has associated with. Most have english degrees and are involved in education... this means they discuss and analyze books on a daily basis! I am thinking about making an excel spreadsheet with a checklist of things to consider when I read a book.. such as:

• Foreshaddowing
• Sentence Structure
• If I trust the narrator
• Does the time period in the book match what was happening in the real world
• Religious symbols - Are any characters Jesus?

That should get me started... 

Also, during the reading of this novel and group discussion I realized how little I know about world history and how I wished I knew more. It reminded me of a former roommate I had while in university. 

This girl knew nothing about current events, past events, basic canadian geography or past pop culture.


Here is a random selection of topics she had no idea about:

• Who the current US President and Canadian PM were
• That the Rolling Stones were a band
• What Hitler was responsible for
• Why Anne Frank was in an attic
• That Saskatchewan and Manitoba were two different provinces
• That not everyone speaks English

What she did know was how to fake it through school enough to become an RN. I suggest you check any medication that is given to you by a nurse... 

Lastly, I heard the best/worst line EVER by some middle aged guys who were drinking the hotel bar at 8pm where the book club was meeting: 

Hey.. So, uh...what's next month's book?

Sorry I haven't been too unlucky lately. I'm sure that will change. 

* Moncton Girl

Two Shots of Raspberry

Having heard lot's of success stories from friends about the great results of online dating, and those kick ass e-harmony commercials I figured it was the perfect thing for a shy girl like me. 


High on boredom and ruffles chips I created a profile. 


It was your classic combination of fun loving girl meets nerd meets the eternal optimist. Sure to attract only the best bachelors in this town. 


After the always present creepy messages, including : 

"let's meet up.. in my bed"

and my second favourite:  

" Two options. 1. Dirty pics 2. Potential one night stand. Ladies choice"

I finally got a message from a seemingly great guy. We exchanged numbers and texted throughout the week while he was traveling for business and I was slaving away in a smelly audit room. I just HAD to meet him and so one Saturday night when he suggested meeting up I went for it. 


Buzzing with excitement I put on clean jeans, washed my hair and pulled out the dusty hair straightener. It was although this Moncton girl got her groove back. 


Off to a local coffee shop I went to await my soul mates arrival... and oh boy did he arrive. 


After waiting a bit I was startled by the highest pitch voice I have EVER heard on man say my name. I looked up to see the saddest dressed, 28 y/o, balding man with braces standing in front of me.

What the fuck was I going to do? 

After ordering our drinks we sat down and the "mad chats" began. I have developed the following code interpretations to help other's in the battlefield of online dating: 


- Job in e-commerce = assembles debit machines
- Quiet = Boring to talk to 
- Some college = GED
- Close with family = Mama's boy
- Profile pictures= At least 5 years outdated. Will be taken in the best light, when you've never looked better. 


I felt duped, but managed to put in 1.5hours of charming conversation. Apparently this Moncton Girl was full of charm. After making a lame excuse and leaving I arrived home to find a Facebook friend request and 2 text messages. 


I decided to be a bit of a mean girl and ignore the texts in hopes that he would get the hint and move on. 


If only I was more lucky in life. I woke up the next morning to 4 new text messages. 
I had to think all day of what to say to let him down easy... not going to lie, this Moncton Girl has NEVER had to let someone down. .. maybe I should whip out that hair straightener more often.. 


I managed to send off a firm, but kind email and vowed to stay in my house for the rest of the weekend for fear I would run into.


That was a week ago. I'm still afraid. 


Did I mention his drink order was a

Grande, no whip, soy, white hot chocolate with two shots of raspberry

No further explanation necessary. 




It's going to take a lot for me to do another PoF date! - I may stick with an old fashioned friend of a friend arrangement! 


* Moncton Girl

All the Single Ladies

What do you do when you buy an IKEA bed, but then you break the wooden slates? You go shopping for a boxspring.


I want to clarify that the slates weren't broken due to any type of activity other than me standing on my bed trying to hang a picture on the wall. I wish it was more exciting and less depressing. It wasn't.


I hit the town of Moncton with a strong sense of purpose: Spend as little cash as possible and get a boxspring delivered to my apartment as soon as possible! One more sleepless night and this accountant might snap and start mixing up her debits and credits!


First stop was Leon's.. where all the old, overly aggressive sales people go to die.. I mean deliver delightful customer service..  - can you tell I didn't buy there??


Leon's was a bust. I was aiming for cheap.. wrong place. I headed across the street to a random independently owned mattress shop. I was quoted a price of $210 including delivery... The charming salesman offered to round down to $200 because:

Two hundred is a much easier number to work with than $210.

I am choosing to believe it is because I looked way to fierce in my classic black pants and black top combo..


I passed on that offer to. I realized at that point I needed to get a bit more ghetto. I headed for the wonderland that is Surplus Freight.


This is the place to go for a deal in Moncton. I was quoted a price of $118.. plus delivery was $50. The kind man at the counter said it was FREE to tie the boxspring to the roof..


Like a typical accountant I said YES to the free option! Let's do this up!!


Before I knew what was happening I was pulling my little Yaris to the back of the store and letting a queen size monster be tied to the roof.


I truly believe I was lured into a false sense of security/confidence when the guy expertly tying this monster down kept calling me "dear".. he was like a kind grandfather who would never lead you astray. 
If someone calls you dear you believe you can do anything!


An important thing to note is that when he was tying it down he mumbled: 

Too loose and the box spring will go flying. Too tight and the string will snap and it goes flying. Lucky for you, dear, I'm an expert. 

What was I thinking. Fast forward to me driving down main street Moncton at 6pm on a weekday, with a bit of wind, in a tiny car, with a huge box spring. 


It was the most nerve wracking 15 minutes of my week.. the entire time I was gripping the steering wheel I couldn't help but think of the wise mantra of the one and only Beyonce Knowles. 

All the single ladies, All the single ladies.. Now put your hands up!

I guess when you don't have a man in your life to help with this stuff (holla! Sterotypes & Gender Roles) and love the feeling of an extra $50 in your pocket you throw caution to the wind and tackle things yourself!


Next time I'll share the tale of my first date thanks to Plenty of Fish... It will also explain why I am afraid to leave the house.. 


* Moncton Girl

 

Adventure Itinerary

Welcome to Moncton Girl's Unlucky Adventures!

I was once told that my life is like a series of funny short stories, which was the inspiration for this blog.  I also have a huge appreciation for the art of storytelling and a natural talent for having unlucky and embarrassing events happen to me.  You're welcome. 


I know the title of this first post, Adventure Itinerary is a bit of a contradiction, but that's the basis of what you are going to find on this blog.. a whole lot of contradictions. The amount of blog posts you are going get depends on the rate at which I humiliate myself... this will vary based on how social I choose to be. 


I feel since you are investing some time into reading this blog I should give you some fast facts about myself: 

•  I've only had a PVR for two weeks but I'd attack if someone tried to take it away
• I've recently signed up for online dating. It should provide some great blog fodder.
• I think I would KICK ASS if I went on "Cash Cab"
• I am an accountant by day
• I drink 2% milk because Dr. Oz said it was ok
• I belong to two book clubs. One just wasn't nerdy enough
• I have a pet dwarf rabbit named Burt. He truly believes he is a cat. 
• I have a strong fear of ice and falling. I feel this causes me to fall on ice more than the average person
• I once watched a marathon about hunting feral pigs. It was fascinating. I regret nothing about those 8 hours. 
• I hate the smell and look of jello. 
• I'm 23 but can't help but think apple juice looks too much like urine to drink
• I'm a bit of a germaphobe. If you are really my friend you won't ask for a sip of my drink
• If I was going to be a drug user my drug of choice would be morphine. 
• I like the feeling of going to the dentist
• I would like to earn "in ground pool" money one day. That is my measure of success. 
• I routinely dial 1-800 numbers to order goods from infomercials. I then remember how much I hate talking to people on the phone so I hang up. 

That's all your going to get for now. 


Check back again to hear about the time I bought a queen size box spring but was too cheap to pay for delivery..